future... seem is kind of far to me..
i can't see any of my future...
nobody understand me...
i felt that... the distance between me and my family, my friends is not like how it used to be...
they used to be my supporter... my shoulder... my ear... my everything...
but now.... i don't felt this...
i don't no why...
when i am still a kid...
i always felt that my family always unfair to me... especially my dad...
i remember... he used to promise me to get something for me whenever i help him take something... but in the end he did not fulfill it...
i don't mind all this... what i need is only their attention... their caring... their love...
it's only something simple like this...
but when time grow longer... and i became a teen... all this feeling were still remain the same...
i tried very hard to get their attention by getting better grades... and all... but... they let me feel it's not better enough...
because... what i get is not what i want...
i am in trouble... the settle everything for me... only that session i felt their love for me is actually there...
but... all this feeling is only in short time! yeah~ SHORT TIME!
why i say so??? i also don't know how can i explain it...
i know... my dad actually very look down on me...
i don't why... maybe it's because i am not his candy eyes...
when i am out of work... i regret... i regret for what i do in the past... the matter that made my life have big different... so huge... yeah... it hurts me a lot sometimes when i am thinking back...
well... i blame myself sometimes too...
anyhow, after sometimes of work... i feel i am like going back to study... yeah... i really wish to continue or start all over again... i don't mind... all i want is i don't want others to look down upon me... especially my families...
i start to search college... part-time... consider of changing work to match my part time timetable..
and i been asking my friends... nobody know it.... only my friends that i asked about the study thing and my boyfriend...
after sometime of searching and all... i told my parent about it...
but in return i get is... a pile of cold water pore on my head...
they made conclusion quickly saying that i won't make it and this and that...
i know they sounds disapprove... but they did not sound out directly...
it hurts me a lot... nobody is there to support me...
from the day i start to think to going back and continue my studies...
i make myself clear that i won't take a single cents from the old one....
but... they don't believe... because of my past...
if it's like that... what for they want to save me back???
let me die at other place it should be more better...
bringing me back here it's actually make me more suffer...
because of the way they treat me like i am the black sheep of the family...
i am useless... hopeless... everything that is 'less' is also me...
because i am just an SPM holder....................................................................................
6 comments:
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